its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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