it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
