we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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