Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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