tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
