Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
