I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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