just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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