I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
