sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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