All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize