He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
