I need to stop coming to work sober
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
