the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
