2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We need to get me chipped asap
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
