The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
