hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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