Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
