She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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