a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How external is "for external use only"?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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