How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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