1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
