Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize