i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My feet surprised me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
