I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
