I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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