Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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