I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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