omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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