Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
