Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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