I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
