You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish my penis had a tongue
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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