the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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