if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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