My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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