Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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