I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
