I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
