My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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