I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
