I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looked like the before picture.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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