I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize