Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
