An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
