Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
