Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everyone says I win the strip club
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
