There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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