I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The adults are the big ones right?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
