i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize