I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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