What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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