i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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