I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
