how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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