she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
